


Identity Crisis

by StarvingLunatic



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Arguing, F/F, Family, Nonsense, One Shot, Philosophy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 17:26:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14958915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarvingLunatic/pseuds/StarvingLunatic
Summary: While fighting a random villain, the group have a debate over ethnic identity.





	Identity Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own these characters; Disney/ABC does.
> 
> A/N: I’d like to thank my two betas, Rae and Kylie, for going through this little bit of nonsense for me. There’s some SQ sprinkled in here because why not?
> 
> Come say hi to me on FB: [S. L Kassidy](https://www.facebook.com/pages/SL-Kassidy/482097488469386).

 

Identity Crisis 

Now probably was not the time for an argument. Not with Emma being caught in magical quicksand, a swirling bit of black tar that used to be part of the road in Storybrooke, another villain threatening Storybrooke, and all. But, Regina could not help herself. And, apparently, Henry could not help himself either. It was not their fault the Villain of the Week was an idiot or Snow and David were ignorant. 

“Regina, if you just give me what I need, I’ll free Emma,” the Villain declared.

“I keep telling you I’m not a Libra,” Regina replied, pinching the bridge of her nose. It took all of herself control to not stomp her foot on the pavement in frustration. What did this half-wit not understand about this very simple concept? She had said it a hundred times already and she was certain saying a hundred and one times would not help.

“Well, we all know you’re not a Virgo,” Emma had the nerve to remark, down to her waist in the magic quicksand.

Regina glared at Emma with a sneer tugging at the top corner of her mouth. “Now, I’m heavily considering letting him drown you.”

“Is this drowning? I don’t know how quicksand works,” Emma said, looking down at the pool around her. “I also thought TV prepared me more for this situation, but I guess I was wrong.” 

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Regina remarked.

Emma twisted her mouth up. “Is that a sexual reference? Cuz, I wasn’t exactly wrong that time.”

Henry cringed and screamed in horror, covering his ears. His grandmother looked just as disturbed, which would have satisfied Regina, but she did not want to scar her son for the rest of his life. Thankfully, he changed the subject before she scolded Emma, who would undoubtedly keep going if given the chance. 

“Aren’t you a Pisces, Mom? We celebrate your birthday on February third,” Henry said. He knew now it was not her actual birthday, but it was the day they had always celebrated it as it was the closest she could figure to her real birthday. He put his index finger to his chin and tapped his chin a couple of times. “Wait, aren’t you from the Enchanted Forest?” he asked the Villain, pointing like this was very important information.

There was a shrug. “So what?” 

“Well, are you doing this based on the Enchanted Forest calendar or this realm’s calendar? I mean, I hear the Enchanted Forest is just like Medieval Europe, so did they have a 365 day calendar? Were they that advanced?” Henry asked, eyes in the sky as he pondered this.

“Henry!” Regina reprimanded him. He did not just compare the intelligence of a people based on their placement on a timeline!

He made a face as he regarded her. “What? It’s not inaccurate or insensitive to ask that. You guys were like Medieval Europe, right? Not that advanced.” 

“We weren’t completely like Medieval Europe and how dare you judge the time period as if that says anything about the intelligence of the people or state of society. I know I taught you better than that,” Regina scolded him and shook her head. “Upholding stereotypes like that.”

“Wait, Henry, are you implying we’re stupid?” Snow asked, motioning between herself and David, who was still posed to fight the Villain.

Folding his arms across his chest, he rolled his eyes. “Of course not. Come on, Mom and Grams, I know what you mean and I’m not judging anyone’s intelligence based on the era they’re from. I’m just saying unless you guys were the Mayans, you didn’t have a 365 day calendar, which makes all of this pointless. The Enchanted Forest calendar won’t match the one here. How is that wrong?”

Regina railed back with her mouth open in disbelief. “And now you’re comparing cultures to determine which one is more advanced?” She put her hand to her forehead. This child!

He frowned at her and threw his hands up. “I’m not comparing them. I’m just saying the Mayans had a more accurate and advanced calendar than Medieval Europe and probably you guys. Am I wrong?” 

“To compare cultures and different eras, yes.”

“Technically not different eras. The Maya civilization was just old when Medieval Europe became a thing.”

“Uh, still sinking here, if my family cares, my wife and kid, especially,” Emma said, pointing to herself with her free arm. With luck, the quicksand would swallow her hideous blue leather jacket before they managed to pull her out. How the ugliest of her wardrobe always managed to survive their misadventures would never fail to astonish and infuriate Regina.

“We’ll get to you in a moment. Our son is comparing cultures and being judgmental about different time periods,” Regina replied, giving Emma a quick glare before focusing back on Henry. 

Henry let out a huff. “What? It’s not like I’m disrespecting your ancestors. I’m saying the Mayans were advanced.”

Snow arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean disrespecting her ancestors?” 

Henry shrugged. “You know, Mom’s Hispanic heritage.”

Snow turned to Regina and regarded her with huge eyes. “You’re kidding, right?” 

“He is not. I have Hispanic heritage,” Regina replied with a furrowed brow. How was this suddenly news?

Snow laughed, throwing her head back. “Since when!” 

“What do you mean ‘since when’? Since we landed in this accursed place and I was given an ethnic background closest to my heritage in our land. What is so ridiculous about that?” Regina countered with a scowl and an arched eyebrow.

“Okay, so you’re what, Mexican? Guatemalan? Belizean?” Snow rolled her eyes and scoffed. 

“I’m Puerto Rican in this world,” Regina replied. She thought that was common knowledge.

“You are not serious. Your name is Mills here,” Snow pointed out. 

Regina shrugged. “I am well aware what my name is. A name doesn’t make the person. In this world, the family history I have my father Anglicized his name, as some ethnic people do to try to fit into this country.”

“How does that make you Puerto Rican?” David inquired, his face twisted in pure confusion. 

“This is the closest the Curse could get to my background from the Enchanted Forest,” Regina replied. Surely they had to notice that in their own Cursed histories and memories.

“Then, what are you trying to say that I’m German?” Snow asked, pointing to herself with both hands. 

“You sound insulted by that,” Henry noted.

“Because I am not German,” Snow said, stomping her foot.

“In this world that probably would be the closest to your culture and it also happens to be the country your story originated in. Perhaps that’s why the Curse close it,” Regina replied.

Snow had the nerve to facepalm. “You cannot be serious! If I’m German, how in the world are you Puerto Rican? Your country was right next to mine back home. If anything, you’re a Spaniard!” Snow pointed at her. 

Regina gasped, properly offended. Her hand her chest automatically.  “You will not connect me with the people responsible for the death and destruction of millions from my homeland.”

Snow’s face turned red. “Your homeland is in the freaking Enchanted Forest! You’re not Puerto Rican!” 

“Wait, so are there no ethnicities in the Enchanted Forest?” Henry asked, looking between his mother and his grandmother.

“Of course there are, but they’re not the same as from here. Ipso facto, your mom is not Puerto Rican,” Snow replied.

“You don’t win an argument just because you say ‘ipso facto’,” Regina pointed out with finger quotes so Snow knew what she meant. She was certain Snow did not know how debates worked. “I’m Puerto Rican in this land.”

“Oh, so I guess you speak Spanish instead of Castian?” Snow asked, as if that was somehow relevant or as if she caught Regina with logic. Castian was Regina’s native language in the Enchanted Forest.

“For this world, yes,” Regina replied. Why the hell was this so hard? They were not in the Enchanted Forest, so she could not tell people she was from Castia. Besides, she had not felt connected to that culture in the same way she did with the Puerto Rican past the Curse granted her.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Charming said, possibly finally checking in with what was going on or only just now able to keep up with the argument. “Are you saying our ethnicities are linked to our stories if Snow is, in fact, German? Because would that make me British or American?”

Snow blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Well, pretty sure my story is the Prince and the Pauper, right? Mark Twain, an American, wrote it, but it’s set in Britain,” Charming pointed out.

Regina could not believe what she was hearing. “First off, there was no such thing as British or Britain during the time period the Prince and the Pauper was set. So, no, you would not be British. If anything, you would be English.” She was not so much answering his question, but correcting his question.

“Wait, wait, wait. So, I’m totally a WASP over here?” Emma inquired, up to her armpits now. There was a good chance her jacket was ruined beyond repair, which would have made Regina smile if she were not in the middle of a ridiculous discussion. “Like, I mean, completely the original WASP? Like, Mayflower WASP?” 

“You’re like the British royal family,” Henry chimed in with a chuckle.

“I thought you said there was no Britain.” Charming looked at Regina.

Regina rubbed her eyes. “Of course there’s a Britain now.” 

“So, if there was a Britain during the time the story was written, I could be a Brit,” Charming reasoned… if it could be called that.

“Why do you wanna be British? What’s wrong with being American?” Henry asked. 

“Technically with the way America works, he could consider himself American while accepting his ancestral background is English,” Regina said.

“British,” Charming had the nerve to correct her.

Snow looked like she was ready to scream. “How would you be British, English, or even American? Again, your country was near mine in the Enchanted Forest.”

“We’re not in the Enchanted Forest,” Regina said, pointing out the obvious because she felt like sometimes the Charmings missed the obvious. This entire conversation was proof of that.

“Well, we can’t be things that didn’t exist we’re from,” Snow replied. That was almost a good argument. Almost, which was more than she expected of Snow a great deal of the time. 

“We are things the Curse made us, Mary Margaret,” Regina stated.

“That doesn’t make any sense. The Curse wasn’t real,” Snow said. 

“And yet somehow we’re all still here in a Land without Magic, some of us under assumed names granted to us by the Curse, and some still working their Cursed jobs. This is quite possibly the most moronic conversation I’ve ever been a part of,” Regina sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose.

Emma’s mouth turned down in thought. “Really? Feels like it might be one of the smartest conversations I’ve ever had.”

Regina rubbed her eyes with her thumb and middle finger. “Of course you would think that considering the genetic material you have to work with.” She sneered in the Charmings’ direction. 

“Well, you married me, so what does that say about you?” Emma countered and damned if she did not make a point.

“I think we’ve all lost track of why we’re here,” the Villain said, holding up a finger. “And couldn’t you argue that Swan is Russian?” 

“How could she be Russian if her parents are German and English and she doesn’t have a Cursed identity or history?” Regina asked, massaging her temples. She did not even want to mention culturally Emma would be the most American among them because of how she grew up. She did not have any connection to any other culture than the United States.

“I’m not German!” Snow huffed.

“Yeah, wouldn’t Grams be French, just going off the name the Curse picked for her?” Henry wondered aloud. “Oh! And possibly Catholic?” He was possibly being purposely annoying, like his birth mother had a habit of doing. 

“I dunno. Regina, are you Catholic, too, to go with your Puerto Rican heritage?” Snow arched an eyebrow, folding her arms across her stomach.

“What I am is no longer entertaining this conversation. It’s like being in one long, unfunny ‘who’s on first’ joke.” Regina waved her hand and Emma appeared next to her. She was pleased to see thick black splotches on the jacket. She now had a good excuse to throw it in the trash.

Emma blinked and looked down at herself. “Oh, cool. But, my jacket. Can you fix it?” She looked at Regina with the puppy-eyes she knew got her everything she wanted. Damn it.

“Fine,” Regina conceded and waved her hand once more. The jacket was clean. _One day, jacket, you will meet your demise, though_. “Now, shall we?” Regina motioned to the Villain with both hands.

“Let’s.” Emma nodded and threw her hand out with Regina doing the same and they blasted the Villain with their combined magic. And that was the end of that. Emma turned to her with a lopsided grin. “So, Russian, you say?” 

Regina let loose a frustrated scream. “I can’t!” With another wave of her hand, she was gone, knowing this conversation would haunt for her months come.

-8-8-8-8- 

Henry held back a chuckle due to his mother’s behavior. Emma, of course, did not have the same amount of self-control. She burst out laughing like this whole thing was a comedy act.

“I understand what Regina meant, but come on, she can’t just claim an ethnicity because the Curse gave it to her,” Snow said. 

Henry shrugged. “I think, just like with your Cursed personalities, it’s up to you to decide what fits. Maybe it fits her. Maybe it’s the closest thing she has to her home or something good. I mean, why don’t you want to be German?”

“Because I’m not. I’m proud of where I came from,” Snow replied. 

Emma opened her mouth and Henry winced, knowing the joke she was about to make. But, his mother closed her mouth before she could embarrass them all. Henry smiled at her.

“Thank you for not making that joke,” Henry said. 

“Yeah, seemed a little overboard, especially with me being blonde and Mom’s haircut. Come on, let’s just go home. I’ve got so much ammo to tease your mom with now,” Emma replied, rubbing her palms together with a devilish smile on her face. Henry nodded, knowing his mom was not going to be happy for the next few days thanks to his ma and they were off.

 

-8-8-8-8-

The end. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed whatever this was. Back to my padded cell with me. Thanks again.
> 
> If you wanna see more of my fanfics, they're all at FFN under [StarvingLunatic](https://www.fanfiction.net/~starvinglunatic). If you wanna see some original stories, you can look at FP under [StarvingLunatic](https://www.fictionpress.com/u/576301/).


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